Everything is fine and normal

Just had a scary embarrassing moment in time caught on tape.

I will fill you in more about my trip tomorrow.

For now I got home and the post office decided to open a new branch for me :-)

Too all those who filled my mailbox while I was gone..... 

Thank you Stiff Shots (Robert P.) for sending me the holiday gifts Naked Lunch book, your dvd Model Behavior, and the Bongo heels from my wish list :-)

Thanks Erik Wern for the trippy raver pen, now I can glow and spin while I write in my model bookings :-)

Thank you Mark Frank for the new Sarah McLachlan Wintersong CD (you couldn't get me to take her off your stereo while I was there)

and Thank you Henry Despres of H.D. Photography for giving me a sack full of useful, yummy, and caring safety items :-)   

 

Go figure…..

Out of all the morning we have breakfast today was a special day to be filmed.

Excited about the progress so far I go to breakfast and participate in conversation as well as talk to my new friends in life….however events turned for the worst (merely for me) because I was served breakfast al fungus. Not exactly a penicillin ejection, but a piece of white toast with a dime size mold spot lurking on it. Repulsed and reminded of previous nights of long term bathroom use, my convictions of the food being bad was now confirmed by the cameras and audience and of course my dramatic action of running to the bathroom. I don’t know if the camera caught me crying, I don’t know if the cameras caught the sounds of me trying to force the shit out of my stomach-but this experience has really set me back in my progress here. Not to mention makes me look bad on camera.

 

This event could be edited in so many ways now, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind. That a reality show that I believed so strongly in can not be what it claims to be if the editing is done in a malicious way. Which in most reality shows, actually happens.

 

After breakfast I did not leave my room for three hours. Because I got myself sick and embarrassed and upset. I was sick from trying to puke nothing out of my stomach (it was breakfast I discovered mold after three bites), embarrassed I ran out almost crying because I got all upset about the toast (honestly I have so many cool things to do I got frighten I would get food poisoning and miss all the cool events in store for me), and upset because the food staff and management of Desserts Shadow Inn did not apologize to me or even offer me some takeout menus. This happened at 8am and now its 3pm and still no call to my room apology or meeting during my next event.

 

I’ve honestly felt sick deep in the pit of my stomach and really just need to rest. I keep sleeping on and off, and crying because I feel like my sickness is being misperceived.  I mainly upset because the food supply I have to go by is from the place that has been making me sick and has shown me mold on their food. I’m repulsed I don’t want to go near that kitchen. I’m upset this had to happen to me because I was having the time of my life, meeting new people each day, and having new life experiences non stop. But today after that all I wanted was some real food, an apology, and some time to rest of me being sick (to be honest I had to run off camera a couple times in the next events because my stomach is so worked up). I just need a long sleep and a new morning to feel 100% better. Unfortunately my partner Jay who decided to continue to participate while I rested, has people asking him 20/20 non stop (which good friends would ask questions if your okay right?), and he believes the director is pissed at us for all this. He claims the director wouldn’t joke with him the same any more and moved his focus onward. He could just be misperceiving the situation because he’s worried about me, but who knows I’ve been trying to rest off this sick feeling.

 

I will say this, everyday I have ate at the resturante here I have gotten sick waves afterwards for up to an hour after eating. So when I seen the mold on the bread I got this rush of flash backs of not enjoying previous meals, and though how much old food might I have consumed here? I have drank only bottle water (which is the same kind I always drink) and other nights I’ve ate out I’ve come home feeling like a million bucks and no sickness.

 

2ndly I wanted to chill with my friends today and play sports and get back massages, but I felt so sick every time I went to leave I just wanted to cry and go lay down to feel better. I guess I’ve had too many bad experiences traveling where I planned to go do cool stuff and it got spoiled by food poisoning. Who wants to be on a reality show and then disappear for a couple days because of sickness? That sucks. I want to go on camera and chill and I’m trying my hardest, but I’m not myself. I hope I’m better tomorrow so I can do all the fun stuff and participate like normal.

 

Now no one has apologized to me. I was finally taken out for the food I requested by lunch time (in essence I was up 6 hours with only a half piece of toast in my system). My blood sugar levels being all fucked up has made me an emotional wreck L I was taken out for food (outside of the resort) and devoured whatever I could to hold me over for the next day or two (until someone with a car takes my grocery shopping). So I didn’t eat lunch with my friends and my boyfriend didn’t either cause he thought he was going with me, but the director took me out of there before he could join us L He asked me how I felt and I told him I was upset (about no apology) and worried I was going to get food poisoning and miss half of the fun I planned, and add that I’m highly worried the editing will misuse the material so it therefore wouldn’t be the real “reality” of things.

I said I wasn’t wearing anymore promo gear on film till someone said sorry. He told me he is sure they will. No one has though. The management didn’t meet me at the next film segment to say sorry. And they sure as hell won’t see me near the kitchen for the next 24 hours! The director only did what was necessary to help me move on and that was feed and unfed person, but he never really apologized either. And now my boyfriend “thinks” he maybe hating on us because I’m doing the event without much energy (give or take I’ve only ate three bites of toast/egg, three del tacos, and the slices of chicken quesadilla). My energy is consumed by the need for more food, and my stress about this project.

 

Why the fuck did this have to happen to me on the only day they film breakfast? I’ve been dripping nervous sweat all over my naked and scared body for the past hours and now have puddles of sweat and tears I need to clean.

Missing home

sativa